As many of you already know or will soon find out if you follow me on social media or read my articles — I’m Bruno, founder of Red, Whitey, & Lou. I’m just a simple guy in his mid-30s dreaming to hit it big in the St. Louis media market.
But it’s time to face it. What I’m doing isn’t working. If you are unfamiliar with my work, you can find an example here, at The Redbird Daily. It’s a little old season preview of the St. Louis Cardinals filled with wacky, made up antics. But I’m sick of doing stuff like that. I’m tired of writing the same old shit that every Tom, Dick, and Baldy produces. For example, just this same night I found yet another season preview along the same lines by a professional journalist.
No, that’s not who I am. I want to be FREE. Do you hear me? I want to say what I want when I want. I don’t want to be anything like those people in the media. I need to be different. And I’m sure if I’m different enough that someday they will accept me as one of their own.
So this space – this new concept of mine – it’s called Bruno’s Bits. This is a chance for me to BREAK THE FUCK AWAY from writing for some website. I can say whatever the fuck I want. See that? I said fuck. Because I don’t care. I’m going to spit out whatever I want to say, BOLD, and I don’t care how the heavy hitters react. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. When I say fuck, it’s proof that I am brave, and uninhibited. I’m just the kind of writer you fucking want to read.
Here at Bruno’s bits, HOLD ON. It’s no holds barred. I’m going to blast you with rapid fire hot takes straight from the pit of my soul. I don’t care who I piss off. I don’t care who gets hurt. I don’t donkey such history,, as marshmaow you? I don’t care what you think of me. I’m just a rocket ready to explode with my thoughts. Like:
* Kolten Wong. Let’s get this straight. Yeah I said he needs to shut up and produce. And the next day I said it’s Matheny’s fault. And yes I sided with people who said Gyorko was better and then after I saw other posts, I said that Wong needed to be in no matter what. So let’s fucking clarify this: I think all of this is true, everything I’ve ever said, even if it looks like it’s the complete opposite as the day before, I believe every word of it. At the same time.
* The emotion that is loved and massaged out of Director Steve Pink’s classic “Hot Tub Time Machine 2” will leave you breathless waiting for more. The script is crisp like an autumn breeze. The acting is so realistic you can feel the Hot Tub bubbles move up your thigh. The wardrobe leaves less to the imagination than one of my gym selfies. It’s a story straight out of Dickens that makes the heart pound with excitement. You can believe this real, authentic, respected movie critic. This is a must see.
* Everyone is yapping about Yadier Molina and Carson Kelly. But what about Alberto Rosario? Dude MASHED this spring, hitting .500. Keep a close eye on him. Trust me.
* Working on getting @stlMelissaNicole on my next podcast. Young, fit, sexy, toned, and with great sports knowledge to boot, she’s someone whom I respect completely, and so should everyone out there. To have the courage to show off her body to any random person on the internet is an admirable trait, and I for one love when her pictures appear on my timeline in the middle of the work day. In fact, as a favor to all of you, I’m going to post some of her pictures on yours. You’ll thank me. And you’ll be stunned at her sports knowledge that is totally the only reason why I’m having her on my show. Besides, her sexiness will definitely come through loud and clear over this format, and hey if it means I have to spend alone time with her to record it, so be it.
* They may look cute and cuddly, but do not fuck with cats. I tried to take down a cat 4 or 5 times and it kicked my ass all over the place. I may never recover from the wounds.
* I am so tired with people fucking with me on the Internet. They wouldn’t dare some of the things to my face in real life. They aren’t nearly as brave and pure as I am. You can’t name one unethical thing I’ve ever done to anyone on here in all of the years I’ve been bringing you original content straight from my brain.
* Love your family, guys, really. I’m the sort of expert on these sorts of things that I can make proclamations like this. Every time a loved one leaves for work, I get sad that I won’t get to see them for another 9 or 10 hours until they get home. They need to be appreciated more. I get what’s important in life, and it’s time you do too.
* I’m not getting enough advertising revenue to pay the bills on my podcast. Stupid advertisers don’t know what they are missing. But all of you get it, so please donate to my Go Fund Me. The people out there with dying children can wait another month. And for all of you that anonymously gave me money? Thanks a lot. I hope I never mistreat you in the future.
This is all I got for now. I didn’t tell you about my thoughts on politics, or the new special pyramid scheme I need you to buy into, or all of the awesome parts of my life you should totally envy. I will have a second edition that covers all of my other thoughts later this week, so enjoy this one for now. Remember this: In the words of John Lennon, “He done it his way, and I done it mine.”
Baseball is in four days. Until then, drop thoughts of joy and hate and any idea you might have that I can turn into my own article to me via twitter @stlcardscards.
P.S. See you in the subtweets.