On the eve of the 2018 baseball season you’ll find all sorts of messages about who is going to have a great season, who is going to be a Kozma, and everything in between. The problem is, what I think of as great, and what you think of as great might be two entirely different things. Thus, I’ve decided to lay it on the line. I’m here to tell you what every player needs to do to have a SUCCESSFUL year. These are minimums, mind you, and while attainable, each should be at the top of the player’s ability.

Without further ado, here’s what would make each Cardinal have a successful season:

Yadier Molina: Avoid the temptation to call out Matheny through a Pinterest spread of his favorite managers.

Francisco Pena: Get to start 2 whole games

Carson Kelly: Find a really cheap apartment in Memphis with a 3 year lease

Matt Carpenter: Score from 3^rd on a single two times in a row

Jose Martinez: Play any defensive position better than Jim Abbott without a glove

Luke Voit: Now that learning OF didn’t get him on the roster, try relief pitching

Kolten Wong: Have his wife stop giggling every time someone calls him “The Pebble”

Greg Garcia: Poison Yairo Munoz

Jedd Gyorko: Keep a statue of Brandon Moss in his locker, ala Jobu

Paul DeJong: Avoid getting demoted to AAA and later shipped off to Toronto

Yairo Munoz: Add even more versatility by learning the “Truffle Shuffle”

Marcell Ozuna: Get rid of that ugly ass armband

Tommy Pham: Train a nice Seeing Eye dog to play center field with

Dexter Fowler: Have Tim McCarver remember his name one time

Harrison Bader: Totally pound some brews bro

Tyler O’Neill: Get his body banned by the military as a “weapon of war”

Carlos Martinez: Fiber. Optic. Dreads.

Adam Wainwright: Just have a normal season where he comes back nice and healthy…aww son of a bitch

Miles Mikolas: Eat a live armadillo, shell and all

Michael Wacha: Injure something else besides his shoulder, just to mix it up a little.

Luke Weaver: Go through puberty

Matt Bowman: Warm up fewer than 200 times

John Brebbia: Grow the damn beard so we can recognize you

Brett Cecil: Don’t get lice.

Jack Flaherty: Do not break my heart.

Luke Gregerson: Stay on the DL so we don’t have to watch you pitch

Dominic Leone: Demand a trade to the Orioles to complete the bird collection

Tyler Lyons: find a way to see Yadi’s signals through the clouds of female pheromones smothering him each time he pitches

Mike Mayers: Keep his ERA under 18.00

Jordan Hicks: Get a sudden and unexpected promotion to the Supreme Court

Alex Reyes: Study and memorize all of the MLB rules on recreational drug use

Sam Tuivailala: Find a nice, comfy seat on the bench for when Matheny never uses him

Bud Norris: Limit those he offends to a small percentage of Hispanics, like those from “Haiti and a few other shithole countries”

Jason Motte: Create a new line of t-shirts reflecting his current ability “Only give up a double to cancer”

Mike Matheny: Just sit there. Maddux will handle this. Don’t. Do. Anything.

John Mozeliak: Find a new and creative way to get Cards fans hopes and dreams up before crushing them.

Michael Girsch: Convince your mom that you REALLY ARE the Cardinals GM, and it’s a super important job with real responsibilities and EVERYTHING.