On the eve of the 2018 baseball season you’ll find all sorts of messages about who is going to have a great season, who is going to be a Kozma, and everything in between. The problem is, what I think of as great, and what you think of as great might be two entirely different things. Thus, I’ve decided to lay it on the line. I’m here to tell you what every player needs to do to have a SUCCESSFUL year. These are minimums, mind you, and while attainable, each should be at the top of the player’s ability.
Without further ado, here’s what would make each Cardinal have a successful season:
Yadier Molina: Avoid the temptation to call out Matheny through a Pinterest spread of his favorite managers.
Francisco Pena: Get to start 2 whole games
Carson Kelly: Find a really cheap apartment in Memphis with a 3 year lease
Matt Carpenter: Score from 3rd on a single two times in a row
Jose Martinez: Play any defensive position better than Jim Abbott without a glove
Luke Voit: Now that learning OF didn’t get him on the roster, try relief pitching
Kolten Wong: Have his wife stop giggling every time someone calls him “The Pebble”
Greg Garcia: Poison Yairo Munoz
Jedd Gyorko: Keep a statue of Brandon Moss in his locker, ala Jobu
Paul DeJong: Avoid getting demoted to AAA and later shipped off to Toronto
Yairo Munoz: Add even more versatility by learning the “Truffle Shuffle”
Marcell Ozuna: Get rid of that ugly ass armband
Tommy Pham: Train a nice Seeing Eye dog to play center field with
Dexter Fowler: Have Tim McCarver remember his name one time
Harrison Bader: Totally pound some brews bro
Tyler O’Neill: Get his body banned by the military as a “weapon of war”
Carlos Martinez: Fiber. Optic. Dreads.
Adam Wainwright: Just have a normal season where he comes back nice and healthy…aww son of a bitch
Miles Mikolas: Eat a live armadillo, shell and all
Michael Wacha: Injure something else besides his shoulder, just to mix it up a little.
Luke Weaver: Go through puberty
Matt Bowman: Warm up fewer than 200 times
John Brebbia: Grow the damn beard so we can recognize you
Brett Cecil: Don’t get lice.
Jack Flaherty: Do not break my heart.
Luke Gregerson: Stay on the DL so we don’t have to watch you pitch
Dominic Leone: Demand a trade to the Orioles to complete the bird collection
Tyler Lyons: find a way to see Yadi’s signals through the clouds of female pheromones smothering him each time he pitches
Mike Mayers: Keep his ERA under 18.00
Jordan Hicks: Get a sudden and unexpected promotion to the Supreme Court
Alex Reyes: Study and memorize all of the MLB rules on recreational drug use
Sam Tuivailala: Find a nice, comfy seat on the bench for when Matheny never uses him
Bud Norris: Limit those he offends to a small percentage of Hispanics, like those from “Haiti and a few other shithole countries”
Jason Motte: Create a new line of t-shirts reflecting his current ability “Only give up a double to cancer”
Mike Matheny: Just sit there. Maddux will handle this. Don’t. Do. Anything.
John Mozeliak: Find a new and creative way to get Cards fans hopes and dreams up before crushing them.
Michael Girsch: Convince your mom that you REALLY ARE the Cardinals GM, and it’s a super important job with real responsibilities and EVERYTHING.