You Won’t Read This, But You Should, Ass-Hat

Dear person that tweeted me your awesome high IQ geniusnessosity,

My oh my. Aren’t you smart? Thank you very much for your reply to me. It wasn’t condescending, arrogant, or elitist at all. You truly are the Internet champion. For the sake of your ego, stop reading now.

There are plenty of annoying things this time of year as Winter turns into Spring. Just to name a few examples: everyone has to send screenshots of the current weather; 18 year olds suddenly think they are constitutional experts, and The Cubs are not yet mathematically eliminated.

But I’m writing this to you, because you annoy me the most.

You are the preachy mother-fucker who has to tell me to “calm down” or, “chill” because I made a tweet about current events, and you think that means I don’t understand how long the baseball season is.

Let me tell you what you don’t seem to realize: Everyone knows how long the baseball season is. Everyone. We are all over 5 years old. We’ve all been following baseball for decades. We are all perfectly aware that the baseball season doesn’t end in 9 days. There isn’t a person on Twitter who things Spring Training games count in the standings, and if there was one, WHY WOULD YOU WASTE YOUR TIME TALKING TO THEM?

There are a few other things you should know:

  1. Nobody is “losing their minds” or “going crazy” your hyperbole about tweets is a sophomoric way of attempting to look like the adult in the room. No one is buying it. It just makes you look like a churlish asshole.
  2. It’s O.K. to say that a player looked like shit on a breaking ball. I promise. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we are taking a single plate appearance and prorating it out to mean that he’ll be an abysmal failure come August. It means, at that moment in time, he looked like shit, and someone like me made a comment on it. Your reply of “It’s a looooooooong season” actually just wasted a moment of my life with information I am WELL aware of. Dick.
  3. But if it’s a Matt Adams situation, you sound especially stupid. Because if a lefty dominates him in Spring, and you decide to interject with your brilliance, well I have news for you, however long your precious season is, Matt Adams hits lefties like a blindfolded kid goes after a piñata filled with vegetables. For whatever reason you think a new season means that everything is started over, cleared, all is new again. You think that because you are too stupid to function. Adams sucks against lefties, he’s always sucked against lefties, and it would take a LOT of evidence to even move him to “below-average.” So: Shut up. You aren’t smarter than anyone.
  4. It’s a joke, moron. Oh my God the amount of times I will write something in jest, or just for humor’s sake, only to be lectured by someone about what the truth is by some smart-set sycophant. Thanks, I’m aware that it’s not Matt Holliday’s fault a moth flew into his ear, or that it’s likely to happen again, but when I tweet that “Maybe the bugs in his ears are making his head to heavy to track fly balls” I’M NOT BEING SERIOUS. Maybe a little.
  5. Dude, if you don’t like people making observations about spring training games, GET OFF SOCIAL MEDIA Oh no! Somebody got mad at Jaime Garcia for acting like a pitching machine on the slow-pitch setting against the Astros! Quick, someone reply or subtweet him that it’s still EARLY and that the RESULTS DON’T MATTER. We must do this until baseball Twitter is completely blank until we, the elites, determine that the sample size is big enough that someone can make a flippant comment without offending our precious little moth-filled ears. Losers.
  6. ALL DATA MATTERS DICKHEAD Somewhere, at some point, people started saying that Spring Training stats didn’t matter, and now it’s become this cult-following oft repeated phrase shouted by the hilltops by people who think, for whatever reason, we want to hear from them.


This shit – to analytics – blows our minds. Let me explain something simple to you. Just because the stats don’t count; just because data has caveats, doesn’t mean the data is useless. You just have to use the data in the correct way.  The correct way is NOT to have Pete Kozma hit .300 in Spring Training and declare him to be the starting SS, because that’s making spring training data TOO important. But if Kolten Wong goes 0-42, striking out 42 times, you’d be CRAZY not to be a little worried about him come opening day. Because the data DOES have meaning, even if it’s not the same meaning as 42 at bats would be in June. It’s PERSPECTIVE, and only worrying about data once it’s time to go on the back of a baseball card is terrible perspective. Use it, for whatever it’s worth, as part of the vast, huge vat of data. And no matter how little it might seem to matter, that’s above zero. So stop yelling at people quoting Spring Training stats. They are real data, for whatever they are worth.


You suck. I mean, you suck badly. You just wasted your time in March reminding people that it’s March. To shame them. Because you believe that you, as a person, must be the smartest person on the planet. You’re the only one who understands what it is to be a fan, the only one who gets the game. Yet, you’re really just showing your ignorance-your need to enhance your ego, your pathetic attempts to be taken seriously. It didn’t work. I sent you this link to inform you that your shaming of me and others isn’t going to work, because your message alone shows just how poorly your brain actually functions. I shudder to think of the sad ways you use your brain in your normal life, what terrible failures you must endure every single day, never changing, never understanding why you are going nowhere, never ever wondering if it’s you, just spending all day waiting to see someone write that Piscotty is 0-6 so you can reply “CALM DOWN, IT’S ONLY APRIL, IT’S NOT LIKE HE’LL BE THAT WAY ALL YEAR. LOOK AT THE BFIB GO ALREADY FREAKING OUT ABOUT ONE THERE STARS, DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT.” Dude, you got us. Nailed it completely, now – go fuck yourself.

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