Let Me Help You Out Here…

@C70 is doing some sort of Cardinals twitter must follow list.

http://www.cardsconclave.com/2015/10/05/input-needed-top-stlcardsfocused-twitter/

You should vote on it, for sure. I’m always looking for new, great Cardinals accounts to follow for a few weeks, get really sick of, and then dump. Thus I am looking forward to this survey.

With that in mind, I’m going to tell you some people you must follow on Twitter.

Rules:
No officital accounts or anyone with 10K followers
No Parody accounts
The Account must be centered around the Cardinals (my judgment call)
No one under 18 or people that I’ve seen be harassed. There are awful weirdos out there, and if you read MY stuff, there is about a 250% chance you are one of those weirdos, and I’m not going to spread that kind of junk.

The accounts on this list, you can harass at will.

1. @BlogOfTheirOwn

This list is in no particular order, except this one. She has a scant number of followers and that’s criminal.

Why

Something will happen in a baseball game that I feel compelled to tweet about. And I will, about 10 times in 10 different ways. I will feel satisfied with my output. I will feel I made some pretty damn good and funny observations. Then I’ll scroll through my timeline, and I’ll see that @BlogOfTheirOwn also tweeted on the same subject. She did it just once, and used maybe half of her character limit, and it will be perfect.

And I’ll sit there and think “Damn, I wish I would have thought of that.”

Then I’ll be in a depressed haze for several innings as I search helplessly for my self worth before turning to my only friend to help me out of my malaise – Internet porn.

If you want to have this same feeling, you’ll follow her too.

Why Not

OK, she tweets about political stuff almost as much as the Cardinals. And unless you think Michael Moore is a neocon, it might not be your cup of tea. With the 2016 election coming up, I don’t expect her to produce fewer political posts.

My exaggerated example of a typical tweet

“What is Matheny thinking? I hate him almost as much as EVERY REPUBLICAN WHO EVER LIVED, ALL OF WHOM ARE HOMOPHOBIC, BIBLE LICKING, WOMAN BEATING, REDNECK CONFEDERATE ASSHOLES!!!!!!!! #Bernie2016”

2. @JohnRabe

Why

Because you follow me, that’s why. I often will see a tweet that makes me recoil in agony when I think about the 95 tweets I’m going to have to make to refute such a stupid, terribly thought out opinion. I calmly clear my calendar for the next two weeks, and begin to craft my thoughts – only to spot a tweet from Rabe that I agree with more than Rabe himself. I then relax, because I know he’s got it covered, and I don’t have to go through the agony. Then I celebrate, because now I have 2 weeks off.

Why Not
I’m not a man who is scared to show my emotions. I would hardly consider myself the alpha of alpha males. But Rabe is the Omega, and you will have to sit through multiple quotes about just how emotional he is. It’s as though he’s never seen “A League of Their Own”

My exaggerated example of a typical tweet

“Adam Wainwright has to be trusted to pitch as much as possible this postseason. The Cardinals have sputtering pitching, and he has many months to recover if something goes on. Speaking of which, when I saw him take the mound the other day – I mean – when I saw that beautiful number 50 ascend high atop the mound, especially high given Waino’s height, well. I didn’t cry when my entire family died in that terrible thresher accident, but I cried when I saw Waino. His return from injury touched me in a place I didn’t know existed anymore. When he gripped the baseball, it was as though he was cradling me in the safety of his glove, hurling me towards the plate, and assuring me that I was safe, as no bat could do damage against his curve.”

(This is a blog. My exaggerated tweets are exaggerated. Thus I have no character limit)

3. @KeeneMLB

Why

I rarely laugh on Twitter, and Keene can make me do it. Offended people suck. Keene isn’t obscene, but he also doesn’t mind going there, because he doesn’t care about you poor wittle feelings.

Why Not

Actually, he just plain hates you. He hates me. He hates everyone. If you read a few tweets, his craft makes it not seem this way. He actually just seems like a normal, sarcastic guy. If you read a few hundred tweets you’ll realize you wouldn’t dare meet him alone in a dark place.

My exaggerated example of a typical tweet

“Maddon says Cubs did nothing to warrant getting hit by pitch. Rizzo even went up to the plate with his hands up saying “Don’t shoot.””

4. @C70

Why

Eh, I don’t really know.

OK, fine. C70 provides Cards news and opinions in an intelligent way and with a sense of humor, not only about the Cardinals, but also himself. You will frequently find a good dose of self depreciating humor. I hate ego. C70 doesn’t display ego. It might be easy, because he has nothing to be egotistical about, but still. It’s refreshing.

Why Not

If you were to ever get in a conversation with C70, and it went back and forth more than twice, he’s going to reference some obscure nerd culture thing that makes you want to rip off his baseball fan credentials.

My exaggerated example of a typical tweet

“The Cardinals run the bases like an Agolnis-Migor, which is a 3 legged sloth like creature from the planet Enchorion from my fan fiction novel spin off of Lechurtians, which was my fan fiction spin off of Star Wars, specifically the outtakes from episode 1 when there are alternate closing credits. Snort, snort, so you know they run bases poorly!”

5. @Buffa82

Why

Buffa is like a post-dispatch writer but without ads, surveys, and a pretentiousness that allows him to only talk to a few tweeters. Buffa engages with everyone, and never backs down from endless discourse. And he and I have had plenty.

Why Not

Buffa is like a post-dispatch writer.

My exaggerated example of a typical tweet

“Does Matt Adams weigh too much? I take spoon, dig deep, scrape the sides for the gooey, tasty truth and offer to you a medium-well, heavily marinated Thanksgiving sized helping of the truth. Bon appetite.”

6. @CardinalTales

Why

Besides giving the intelligent perspective of, umm, a generation not often on twitter — CardinalTales follows the Minor Leagues on a daily basis. Know all of those tweets you wrote about how Pham should be starting in center? That was SO CardinalTales 2 years ago.

Why Not

Dude cooks out every night. Every single night. Look, I’m a carnivore with the best of them, but there are so many pictures and tweets about meat, at some point you’ll want to scream EAT A SALAD OR SOME PASTA OR A CANDY BAR. But you can’t scream that, because of an absolute fear that the result would be a picture of a grilled snickers.

My exaggerated example of a typical tweet

“Mike will never be like Whitey because he doesn’t understand the element speed brings to the game. The only time slowness is OK is when I have a good hunk of mutton on the Big Green Egg that I plan on slow cooking for the next 8-12 hours. Don’t worry,I’ll post pictures every 45 seconds.”

7. @TexasCardsFan1

Why

If you don’t know why, then you probably have him listed on your block list. I love following diverse accounts that all bring something different to the table. TexasCardsFan brings a an angry passion he will engage anyone in – opponents, celebrities, fellow cards fans – and all will have a problem admitting that often, he is right. Blunt, but right. It’s damn entertaining.

Why Not

You’ve probably already fought with him. You have him blocked, or he has you. You aren’t singularly black and white on issues like Jon Jay, so you don’t want to read anyone that would happily push him off a cliff. Or maybe you just don’t like a good dose of social media drama, of which there is always a gathering storm.

My exaggerated example of a typical tweet

“What the Hell is wrong with you @JonJayJrAge6, Jon Jay is your favorite player? What an absolute imbecile. GROW UP. Come back when you are in the 2nd grade. I can’t stand this. I hate this place. I AM QUITTING TWITTER FOREVER!”

8. @CardinalHistory

Why

I am a not-so-closeted nut of the history of baseball, and naturally the Cardinals above all else. That’s what makes accounts like this one and @RetroSimba imperative to my life. It’s extremely difficult for me to accept that there are adults who proclaim to love the Cardinals, but don’t dive in deep to their rich, wonderful, fascinating history. It’s like saying Andy Griffith is your favorite actor without ever watching “The Andy Griffith Show”

Why Not

You know how you can really like something, so you seek out others that really like it, and discover their particular obsession is to the point where it creeps you out and makes you feel dirty? Yeah…

My exaggerated example of a typical tweet

“Check out this picture of this thing I found when spending my Saturday night digging through a dumpster at Busch Stadium looking for treasured Cardinals artifacts, it’s a used Tampon and it’s CARDINAL RED!!!!”

9. @StlWinn

Why

Because in a cynical world where people like myself can end up being angry at Mike Matheny during a 12-1 victory, let alone a 4-2 absolute giveaway, people like @stlwinn balance the negativity with his own annoying brand of optimistic perspectives.

Why Not

Because, damn is the optimism annoying. If you like sunshine and lollipops morning, noon, and night, rage on. If you are like me, and just occasionally you would like a dose of actual reality to enter the conversation, then you’ll often want to strangle him. Then you’ll picture actually doing it. Then you’ll smile. Then you’ll get pissed off again because he STILL found a way to make you happy.

My exaggerated example of a typical tweet

“I don’t understand why everyone is upset that the Cardinals plane crashed and everyone died. Cheer up! The plane crash started a massive fire that burned half the city. Fire is cleansing! What a great opportunity for the city to start anew and build an even greater baseball team!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

10. @NicoleeAnn94

Why

This is the person you probably know as Nicole. She changed her @ sign recently just to screw with us. Nicole is the polar opposite of a StlWinn. She is hard core pessimistic and angry and entirely inappropriate, and it’s fun as Hell to read. I laugh a lot.

Why Not

Does David Duke offend you? Have you ever used the phrase “trigger warning?” Then you will want to stay far, far away. Basically, if you REALLY care about what anonymous people on the Internet think of something, this is the last person you’ll want to follow. Also, please don’t follow me.

My exaggerated example of a typical tweet

“Foul ball? Carpenter leads off with a foul ball? OF COARSE he did the MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKER. That’s what happens when instead of learning to hit you let Mabry stick his 3 inch dick up your ass. WHAT A FUCKING JOKE OF A TEAM. #FireMatheny #FireMabry #ImpeachObama #StabALiberal”

That was fun. It may not have been well thought out. I probably accidentally left off several great people, but at least it was fun. Please, the 3 of you that read this, let me know what your exaggerated example of my typical tweet would be.

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