Wow. At first I was upset about Greg Garcia being sent down, but then a source from within the Astros organization contacted me and claimed that he had a recording of what Mike Matheny talking to Greg Garcia and giving him the news he would be demoted to AAA.

Naturally, I didn’t believe him, but upon listening to the tape myself I realized that this was 100% authentic. Most importantly, the logic used by Mike was irrefutable. Greg Garcia had to go to AAA. It was the only move that made sense.

With this obvious goldmine, I rushed to give it to the Internet. But alas, this blog host doesn’t accept MP3s, so in a desperate move I’ve decided to transcribe this, because the truth must be told.

Join me. Become convinced. What is below are the words of Mike Matheny (and Greg Garcia where notated) as best as I could transcribe them. That’s what’s important. This is me doing my very best to accurately tell you what Mike said, though technically I could have messed up every single word and so I suppose there is a chance that none of this actually ever happened. But that’s just a disclaimer for the lawyers. I’m sure this is all completely accurate.

Come on in Greg, have a seat.

Mo and I have been talking, and I’m sorry to tell you that Ruben Tejada is healthy, and we’ve chosen you to go down to Memphis.

I know that’s painful to hear, but, frankly I’m hoping that you’re getting used to this demotion by now, and that you’ll take this very well. Besides, you’ll get to frequent all of your favorite restaurants. There’s a Chili’s in Memphis, right? I’m sure there is.

Greg, let me be clear here, we aren’t just getting rid of you. There are things we feel that you need to work on. Part of that is trying to be a true Cardinal. Remember, you are part of an entire organization, which means you have a very specific role to play.
Let me give you an example of where you need help with this. Last year, your OBP at Memphis was .391. That’s the kind of number that makes the Saber-toothed moron stat geeks get all giddy and start tweeting endlessly that you should be in the majors, especially when the OPS of Pete Kozma, who was on the major league roster every single day last season, was .388.

Now what were we supposed to say to fans who point out your OBP was better than his OPS? It’s embarrassing Greg, just plain embarrassing, and we’re going to need you to remember that this time around. If Ruben Tejada is batting .202, we need you batting below that. If Aledmys Diaz has 25 errors, you have 30. If Jhonny Peralta tears his thumb, by god, chop off a finger.

The point is Greg, we don’t need any distractions. We are trying to win games. Stop making us look like idiots.

Now, that’s one way of how we want to mold you into a team player. I also want to go over each of your at bats this season and give you some feedback that we have noticed.

1. Your 1st time up against the Pirates, you struck out looking on 3 pitches. I actually had high hopes for you at this point. I thought it was a very good at bat, and considering it came right after Jeremy Hazelbaker’s 1st career home run, I thought it was very appropriate of you to not show him up.

2. Your 2nd time up was a double to right. Come on man, a double? It was the top of the 8th inning, 2 outs, a runner on 1st, and you have to hit a double? We were losing 5-1. Adam Wainwright gets cranky after too long in the dugout. Yadier Molina was late for thumb-enhancement surgery. Matt Holliday had to charge his Hoveround scooter. This team has an aging core, and here you are actually making the game go longer by hitting a double, and getting all of our old guys worked up. You need to be a better teammate.

3. Your 3rd time up was a pinch hit home run in Atlanta. Greg, we don’t show up other teams. We already had a 6-4 lead against a team that couldn’t beat themselves unless they were in an adult movie theatre. We already had 2 pinch hit home runs. You knew that. We talked about it. And here you go, having to hit a 3rd, thus putting us in the history books as the only team that’s ever done that. Put yourself in their cleats, Greg. How embarrassing. You never want to do that to another team.

4. Your 4th time up was a full count walk in the 9th inning of a game where we were already up by 8 runs. Do I even have to say what you did wrong here? I mean swinging is one thing, but a walk? We aren’t paying you to walk Greg. You were put in that game for Matt Carpenter specifically just to get him some rest and get the game over as soon as possible. Then you walk? On a full count??? Greg, if you’re playing for us in a game, then the game is meaningless. Don’t act like these at bats might be important for some reason.

5. Your 5th time up was the next day against Atlanta, it was a 4 pitch walk. There’s a reason it was a 4 pitch walk Greg, they wanted to get Wainwright to the dish. Normally we’d have Adam stand there and do nothing, but we can’t do that with a runner on base can we? No, he has to try. And when he tries, he just might tear something like…I dunno…his Achilles? Stop taking the bait. It’s like you are working for the other team.

6. Your 6th time up was, oh lord, ANOTHER full pitch walk. It’s like you’re trying to show off or something. This time it was with 2 outs, which forced Adam to come out and hit again. You know, Adam didn’t have the greatest of games that day. Guess whose fault it was mister “I don’t swing at bad pitches.”

7. Your 7th time up was a single to left field that drove in Grichuk and tied the game at 5-5. Greg, Greg, Greg, THIS WAS A SERIES WE HAD ALREADY WON! What are you trying to do here? Personally, I think you have something against Indians. You’re like Smallpox to the Braves. That’s why I’m putting you on your own Trail of Tears back to Memphis.

8. Your 8th time up was a groundout to 2nd. This is my frustration with you. That groundout was done to perfection. It was a 2-0 pitch, and you found the perfect pitch to roll over. It was the 1st time I had seen Mabry crack a smile in days. Greg, I know you made an out there, but you must realize that slow rollers to 2nd will result in good things. I mean, that’s what made my entire career. It drives us crazy to see such talent wasted on your tendency to get on base without even touching the ball. That’s not how men play this game.

9. And yet, your next time up was an intentional walk. Now, you’d think I’d let you slide because it was intentional, but that was just ridiculous. We had Aledmys Diaz on deck. A rookie, Greg. A rookie that needs all of our support. This was a close and late part of the game. That’s a lot of pressure, and you just handed it off to the kid. Maybe had you swung at a few of those balls they would have challenged you, but no. You just handed off responsibility to a child. You’re lucky he hit a double, or your ass would have been mine.

10. Your next at bat was against Milwaukee, and it was a strikeout looking. GREG! You know that normally taking an at bat like that would tickle me where the misses does, but this was against Sam Freeman, Greg. Sam Freeman! Remember Sam Freeman? He was the guy we basically got rid of so that we could keep pitching the mummified remains of Randy Choate for one more year. And what happened? Freeman wound up pitching more innings with a lower ERA. AND HERE YOU ARE STRIKING OUT AGAINST HIM. Remember what I said about making us look stupid? Learn. Your. Role.

11. Your next at bat was against Cincinnatti in the bottom of the 8th when we were already winning 12-3. You singles to right field. Well, normally I’d be disgusted by this. I mean, you were beating up on a guy named “Jumbo.” But frankly, sometimes good does come out of bad, as I was later able to pinch hit with Matt Adams and he launched a home run and well *sniffles* I’m sorry it’s just *more sniffles* that just meant so damn much to me.

12. That brings us to tonight’s game against the Cincinnati Reds. Your 1st at bat was a single with one out. I specifically remember telling you that we needed you to hit a double there. Fryer was up next, and we needed to stay out of the DP. But no, you hit a single because you’re too lazy to run all the way to 2nd. And sure, You were able to score on the Fryer double, but you know what? Maybe start listening to your coaches.

13. Your next at bat was also a single. Ho hum, another single. It’s almost like you don’t have any ambition to improve yourself. 26 years old, make a little money, and you think it’s time to settle down and pop little singles in every at bat. Just wait for someone else to come along and drive you in. Disgusting.

14. Your next at bat was a hit by pitch that just barely grazed your shirt. You can’t take it like a man and actually hit you? That was borderline cheating. Next time I give the signal to an opponent to drill you, lean into it and smile. Learn some damn grit.

15. Your last at bat was a pop out with the go ahead run on 1st base. A pop out. I can stand a lot of things, but hitting the ball in the air is not one of them. But at least some good came of it. My opportunity. It would be hard to send you down when you keep getting on base like a selfish prima donna, but that pop out gave me all the reason in the world to lose confidence in you and send you down again for Pete Koz…I’m sorry, for Ruben Tejada. Sometimes I get those two confused.

Now, do you have anything to say for yourself?

Greg Garcia: Uh, well, I was just wondering, uh, why not Matt Adams? I mean, he has options too, right?

AHA. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Greg, you moron. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HOW CAN HE BAT CLEANUP HERE ALL THE WAY FROM MEMPHIS? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You got a lot to learn son. Now, get on that plane right away. We got you a 1st class ticket because no one associated with the word “coach” wants anything to do with you.